The art of complaining in a restaurant (and how much of the steak you can eat before sending it back)
By Brad Young, Money feature writer
As household budgets are squeezed, the pressure to enjoy a meal out has risen – and with it the expectations on restaurants.
But anyone who has worked in hospitality knows it is a very human and often chaotic endeavour. Mistakes are unavoidable.
So what’s the right way to complain when something goes wrong? How do you get your money’s worth without stepping out of line?
The Money team asked five experts for the answers, including top chefs, the King’s former butler and an etiquette adviser.
Know your food
“Different countries have different ways of complaining and the UK is notoriously very, very bad,” said Brian Mcelderry, a chef with almost 50 years of experience.
The Newcastle-born 66-year-old has cooked professionally in Saudi Arabia, Dubai, Libya, Switzerland, Malta, France and New York – but, for him, it’s the British diner who is worst at finding fault.
In the US, restaurateurs encourage guests to complain and customers are upfront and confident.
“In France, most people that eat in restaurants also cook so they know the culinary standard, they know how to complain and they don’t complain frivolously,” he says.
But in the UK, Britons are either too timid to complain or don’t know what they’re complaining about, says Mcelderry, executive director of the British chef’s union, Unichef.
The number one dish they mistakenly kick up a fuss about? Steak, according to almost all the experts we spoke to.
If you don’t want fat, don’t order the ribeye. If you want it well done, expect a 15-minute wait.
Mcelderry recalled one customer sending back three steaks in a row. When it came to serving the man his fourth, the chef made a personal visit.
“I put the steak in front of him. I pulled up a chair and I said to him: ‘I’m going to watch you enjoy your meal and make sure that it is perfect, sir.’
“Low and behold it was perfect the fourth time.”
It’s all about attitude
But sometimes there is something wrong, very wrong, with the meal, like when one of Jesse Dunford Wood’s customers found a tooth in theirs.
The 46-year-old chef patron at London’s Parlour and Six Portland Road restaurants was distraught.
“I thought, oh my god, how can that happen? We couldn’t really work out what’s going on. Was it the customer’s tooth? Was it one of the chef’s teeth?”
To his partial relief, it turned out the dish in question was a pork terrine made from a braised pig’s head – and one of the animal’s teeth had broken rank during preparation.
Laura Windsor, an expert on manners who runs the Etiquette Academy, says the best way to complain is with patience, understanding and eye contact.
“A lot of people shout while they’re complaining because they’re trying to gain authority, but really they look rather ridiculous and arrogant,” she says.
No smirking, large gestures and certainly no finger-clicking, she says; discreetly and calmly speaking to the waiter away from the table is much more effective.
Asked if customers were more likely to receive a complimentary dish, drink or discount if they were polite, Chef Mcelderry is emphatic: “Absolutely. 2,000%. It’s the answer to everything.”
Free drinks for the table will always cost the restaurant less than a bad TripAdvisor review.
Wood has a different take: “Assholes get things free as well, but we’re a bit more begrudging about it.”
How much can you eat before complaining?
While the British stiff upper lip might make you hesitate, it’s much better to raise a problem immediately, the experts say.
Grant Harold, a former butler to the King who now runs the Royal School of Etiquette, says eating more than a few mouthfuls before complaining is “completely unacceptable”.
And if you’ve tasted and bought a bottle of wine, there’s no turning back midway through your first glass.
“It’s just really bad etiquette, you just don’t do that,” says Harold, who worked for the royals at Highgrove House in the Cotswolds.
Chef Wood agrees: “Some people think it’s acceptable to finish the whole dish and then say ‘that was disgusting, I can’t believe you’re serving this’, expecting a free meal, but I think that’s slightly taking the piss.”
A similar opinion is held by Daniel Thompson, general manager at the four-star Thurlestone Hotel in Devon.
He began working in hospitality at 13 by lying about his age to a greengrocer, the first of numerous industry hats he has worn including porter, waiter, barman, chef and manager.
“If you get three-quarters of the way through your meal and then decide your chicken is undercooked, it is quite unacceptable,” says Thompson, 48.
“If you get tables that are three or four bottles of wine in and then start complaining, it’s probably time to cut them off and settle the bill.”
How long is too long?
In an overworked and understaffed industry, complaints about waiting times are among the most common.
But you shouldn’t be getting tetchy after 10 minutes, Wood says.
“People also like this little power trip that ‘I’m paying you to work for me’.”
Fellow chef Mcelderry says the average three-course meal should last one hour and 30 minutes, so if you’re waiting more than half an hour, it’s time to expect a discount.
According to Harold, it’s standard to get a free bottle of wine if a meal is really late.
“To get a meal free, to my mind, you’re talking about a bowl of soup going over somebody or a lasagna on their lap.
“With bad service, it tends to be free alcohol or a free course.”
Revoking automatic tips
The menu said “12.5% gratuity added”. The service was bad. The bill has come.
It’s at this point that the picture Mcelderry paints of the timid British diner might look a little too familiar for your liking.
But etiquette expert Windsor says Britons just have to get over it.
“I think it’s high time we stopped being awkward and actually were proactive,” she says.
“We aren’t children. We’re adults, and we should be in control of what is going on around us.”
Tipping is always a voluntary way to show appreciation – it doesn’t matter if it’s already on the bill.
“If you don’t appreciate the service, absolutely you tell the waiter: ‘I’m sorry, the service wasn’t up to standard, and I would like you to take that off the bill’.”
It all comes back to the cost of living, Thurlestone adds.
“People pay a lot of money these days to go out. And I think with purses being tightened constantly at the moment, people’s expectations are very high wherever they’re going, so that service has to be spot on every single time.”
