Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My father-in-law is a very old-fashioned man. He lost his only son when he was in high school. It is a family tradition to name sons after their fathers.
So he is “John VI.” He offered to pay for college for any grandson named after him. My wife and I are gay and expecting our first son via surrogate. My sisters-in-law all have boys. None of them have taken their father up on the offer. I think my wife and I should take him up on the offer. She is worried about causing bad blood with her sisters. Thoughts?
—Name
Dear Name,
Giving your son his grandfather’s name seems pretty straightforward and sweet. But there must be a reason your wife is worried about it causing bad blood. Does she think it might bring up some issues of favoritism among your sisters? Whatever the reason, I wonder if your wife is willing to have a conversation with her sisters about this before you proceed. She doesn’t need to ask them for permission to name your child, but she can let them know that the two of you are considering it. What do they think about it (and why didn’t they choose to cash in themselves)? Giving them the chance to weigh in on the matter might help soften any hard feelings.
There’s another potential issue to consider, though. Do you expect your father-in-law to hold up his end of the bargain? If you’re only taking his name for the free tuition—and not the significance of it—consider the possibility that your father-in-law could always change his mind. He might not have the funds for it after all; he might ultimately think it’s unfair to the other grandkids. How would you and your wife feel if that were to happen? It’s something to think about. College is wildly expensive these days, so the free tuition is a big bonus. But I would also make sure you’re attached to the name and the meaning that comes with it.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
A person who I considered to be a good friend for eight or nine years asked my husband and I, along with others, if we would like to join them in starting a marijuana business. She and her brother were in it together. We trusted them because they were like family. So we agreed. We sold our house, and the friend happened to be a realtor so she put it on the market for us. It sold quickly. We moved over 100 miles away so we could be close to where this business was going to be.
After a few years, the business was a go. They asked my husband to help with a few tasks and paid him for the first few months, but then the payments stopped. They now owe him $11,000.00 for the work he did for them. I sent them invoices every month for a year and never received payment. I have since then discovered that they and one of their business partners (who is in charge of funding) have been involved in legal battles with another group of people that they never paid back for their investment money: $150,000! So our piddly $11,000 is nothing to them.
After finding all of this out, I have not spoken to my friend in seven months. I am hurt and feel betrayed by her. I constantly think about the whole situation and her involvement. I feel it is a waste of my energy to keep holding these bad feelings toward her but can’t seem to stop. I have not told her about my reasons for not speaking to her. But silence on her end seems to me like she has figured it out on her own. She fits the definition of a narcissist. My question is: What can I do to let this all go?
—Betrayed By Friend
Dear Betrayed,
This is a huge betrayal, but it’s also a lesson in being careful about who you trust before you uproot your life. If you haven’t heard from your friend in seven months, she knows there’s a problem and is likely avoiding you. And if she was a true friend—or at the very least, someone you could trust—the least she could’ve done was be upfront with you about everything. After all, you sold your house and relocated to help them launch this business. It’s unclear what the company’s status is, but she should have been forthcoming with this information.
You could take legal action, which would involve consulting with a lawyer and maybe heading to small claims court, or the lawyer could send them a demand letter to see if it lights a fire. A lawyer might also be able to help you negotiate a settlement or a smaller payment plan. But dragging this out might be a lengthy and ugly process, especially if your friend has ghosted you, so you have to be prepared for that.
Whether you go the legal route or not, would you be willing to reach out to your friend for an explanation? There’s a slim chance you’ll get those invoices paid anytime soon, but if you decide to hire a lawyer, you might want to hear her side of things and give her a chance to explain herself. Be honest about how this has affected you. If her response is positive, maybe you can work something out before you take any further steps. Even if you don’t get a dollar back, hearing from her might help you put the situation behind you.
I don’t see how it’s possible to trust your friend now, and you go so far as to suggest she’s a narcissist, so the friendship probably won’t ever recover. But for the sake of closure, reaching out to ask for an explanation might turn out to be what you need.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband and I both own our own solo businesses. They make enough to get by but we are not putting money into saving for a vacation house or anything beyond regular bills and contributing to our simplified employee pensions. We have a 4-year-old son.
A few years ago when money was coming in pretty well, we bought disability and life insurance for both of us. The life insurance is called 20-pay whole life insurance and it was sold to us as a way to invest because we can take money out of it for retirement. Our monthly bill for these policies is $1,700. Our businesses have not been doing well for several months and we have no cash savings. That $1,700 is looking like an attractive bill to cut out or cut down. Do we need to keep these policies no matter what? These might add up to a lifetime payment of $600,000. Are we better off investing that money elsewhere?
—Times are Tight Now
Dear Times are Tight,
For those who aren’t familiar, a whole life policy is a type of life insurance policy that also functions as an investment vehicle. It usually has a high premium, and you pay into the policy like any other life insurance policy, but your money also grows over time. Many personal finance experts do not recommend them as an investment. The fees are high and, historically, the stock market has produced better returns. In other words, in most cases, your money would be better invested in a retirement account like the simplified employee pension plan you mentioned.
Of course, with a life insurance policy, you’re also paying for peace of mind. If the worst case scenario happens, your family gets a big payout. Peace of mind is great, but $1,700 a month is a lot to pay for it, especially when you’re already stretched thin. The trouble is that canceling the plan can be costly. You’ll likely be on the hook for fees, and since you’re cashing out, you’ll probably have to pay taxes on any interest earned on the policy. That said, the extra $1,700 a month of breathing room in your budget might be worth the hit.
Before you go that route, talk to the company about your options. For example, you might be able to stop paying premiums in exchange for a smaller benefit. Talk to the insurer and, ideally, your financial planner. It’s always a good idea to see if there are more options before making any big moves.
If you still want life insurance, look into a term life policy, which only pays out for a set time in the event of a death. In other words, it’s not permanent—if you outlive the policy, you don’t get the benefit. But this type of policy also allows you to pay a much smaller premium. You get the comfort of knowing your family is taken care of but at a fraction of the cost.
—Kristin
Classic Prudie
Help! My adult daughter is planning a wedding in November. I just learned she was married in secret in August. She’s now angry and says I invaded her privacy by looking up her marriage license online. I wouldn’t have looked at all, but she accidentally wore a ring during a FaceTime call. I asked if she was married, she said no, and thinks I should have left it alone. She still wants the “wedding” with 100 guests, and is expecting me to pay for it.
