‘I’m organising a hen-do and someone has dropped out last minute. Do I ask her to pay?’
Every Tuesday we get an expert to answer your Money Problems. You can WhatsApp us yours here or email moneyblog@sky.uk. Today, we are tackling this issue sent to us by Sarah from Hornsey:
I am organising a hen-do for six people – we are going to Budapest in a couple of weeks and everyone was due to pay the balance of just under £350 for accommodation and various things we’ve got planned next week. Last weekend, one of the six has just dropped out – meaning we’re all going to have to pay £70 more. Some of the group really won’t be able to afford this but the dropout hasn’t offered to pay anything. Do I ask her to, do I make everyone pay and risk more dropouts or do I take the hit myself?
We gave this one to our Money live reporter Jess Sharp…
Speaking from my own experiences of hen-dos, paying the difference isn’t the solution, and instead you should ask the dropout to at least offer some money towards the cost.
We asked our readers in a poll whether they thought people who cancel late should still have to pay and the majority of them agreed…
Here’s what some of them had to say…
“It depends on the reason for having to drop out. Some things are unavoidable.”
Leslie McGregor
“Depends on how last minute and why they are dropping out. Genuine emergencies? Fair enough, but backing out last second ’cause they changed their mind. That’s a different story.”
Andrew Morley
Having the conversation about paying might be difficult, but there are some techniques you can try to make it easier.
I’d say it’s best to have the conversation in person or over the phone if you can – a text might come across a bit abrasive.
Advice firm MoneyHelper suggests putting emotions to one side when having these conversations – getting angry or upset isn’t going to help.
If you start to get upset, maybe pause the conversation for a moment, either step out of the room or politely excuse yourself from the phone call, and then return a few minutes later.
It’s possible that your friend is going to feel differently to you, so make sure you give her space to talk and respond to what you are saying. Interrupting her risks turning the conversation into an argument.
MoneyHelper also says you should also avoid being judgemental.
I’m not sure why your friend has dropped out, but you should try to avoid accusatory language when you bring up the costs with her, so don’t start a sentence with “you did” or “you said” and think about your facial expressions when she answers.
It might be better to start with “I think” or “I feel” to show that this is an issue, but you would like to resolve it and you are not placing any blame.
If she agrees to pay all of the cost, then great. If not, maybe she could cover part of it and the other invitees might be willing to chip in to pay the rest.
If you have the funds to cover her costs – and by that I mean you have the money spare and are not putting yourself into any financial difficulty – another option could be to pay her part and set up a payment plan for her to give the money back to you.
My friends and I have used this method before over the space of three months or so to make sure we’ve all been able to enjoy an event together.
It’s also important to realise you aren’t the only one experiencing this tough situation – the average hen and stag-do group drops by around 20% after bookings, according to the guys at planning apps GoHen and StagWeb.
I thought it might help to speak to an expert in etiquette as well, so I got the opinion of Liz Wyse from Debretts, a professional coaching company that focuses on etiquette and behaviour.
Wyse was quite firm with her advice – “under no circumstances” should you be responsible for the extra cost.
“The person who has dropped out of the hen-do may have a good reason for cancelling, but she is doing so at very short notice,” she said.
“Group bookings are predicated on a certain number of people committing to the arrangement, and thereby arriving at a fixed cost, and her cancellation will obviously have an unanticipated impact on the overall cost for everyone else.”
Wyse felt that you would be “quite in your rights” to politely explain that the cancellation would have an impact on the other participants.
She said one option could be to suggest the dropout pays half of the remaining balance – but this should be if you think an extra £175 is “sustainable” for all invitees.
“If you feel that she has a really valid reason for dropping out, or if you feel you must seek a compromise, you could suggest that she pays 50% of the balance, and explain to her that this would ensure that her cancellation does not mean that other participants are also forced to drop out,” Wyse said.
“As a general rule, in a situation where there is a group agreement to share the cost of a social event and an understanding that this money must be paid in advance, the person who drops out of the arrangement should take responsibility for their share of the cost.
“A social arrangement like this is a commitment, which involves other people (not least the bride to be), and should never be made (or cancelled) lightly,” she added.
How can this problem be avoided next time?
Of course, the perfect situation would have been for there to be no dropouts – but this could have been made easier if some parameters had been put in place at the beginning.
It’s worth making clear to invitees at the point of putting plans together that they will need to pay if they drop out at the last minute – this will help them to really think about the commitment, weeding out any of the potential liabilities early on.
Asking for a deposit is also an option. That way, the organiser knows that if anyone does cancel, they will at least have some funds to cover the cost.
While not always a viable, if people have the funds, it can be beneficial to ask them to pay the full amount of the hen do up front.
It might cause you less stress and hassle to use a dedicated planning app too.
GoHen and StagWeb allow organisers to book accommodation and activities in one place and then the invitees pay the service directly, so you don’t have to chase them for the money yourself.
Do you agree with this advice? How would you handle it differently? Let us know in the comment box
